Day 104: Vegan Ninja

Fat guys do not make good ninjas.  They make spectacular pirates and excellent zombies, but as ninjas they literally fall short.

Despite 85 pounds of lost body lard I am still a fat man.  The bathroom mirror and the scale don’t lie.  You and I both know that I was a much, much, much larger guy before but that does not negate the fact that at 250 pounds, I still easily fall into the morbidly obese category.  However, I never let myself forget that I am much less morbidly obese than I was before.  You have to stay positive.

When not using the mirror-scale method of self scrutiny, I easily slip into my normal state of mind.  In my head I look like Michael Phelps, just stepping off of the gold medal rostrum; glowing from hard won victory, supreme health and radiating kilo-joules of youth.  I easily fall into the role of Captain America and Thor when my internal movie theater plays the myriad of mental mini-films it creates during the day.  In short, I am a stud.

The incredibly positive self image that I  allow myself to walk around in is such an easy skin to wear now.  I slip into it each morning when I wake before my alarm and literally bounce out of bed.  In fact, this bouncing is one of Shannon’s arguments for buying an incredibly expensive Sealy Posturepedic mattress.  I’d be glad to oblige but that would force me to sell one of my gold medals and I am not ready to do that yet.

Throughout the day, my 85 pound lighter body seems to float about 2 inches off the ground.  When walking through crowds I can slip between the small gaps without brushing against anyone or knocking them over.  I find myself able to twist, bend, leap and move more than I thought humanly possible.

I’ve gone from feeling like the bull in a china shop to being a ninja.

Several days ago, long enough for the scabs to fall off and become pink scar tissue, I had a pretty spectacular ninja fail.

Our kitchen has a blissful amount of counter space.  It wraps around most of the kitchen and comes together at the entrance with about as much room as you find between parallel bars.  You might not know this but parallel bars are very attractive to ninjas.  When we see a set we are drawn to them like Paula Dean is drawn to butter.

So there I was, minding my own business in the kitchen, filling my Grazing Box (patent pending-pending) with foods for the day.  Bursting with my now standard morning energy,  I spotted the before unnoticed parallel bars.  They taunted me with their even spacing and comfortable height.  As a ninja, I was unable to resist their siren song.  Acting on pure instict, I grabbed the counter tops and lifted my body off the ground.  After finding myself successfully hovering over the hard ground I raised my legs quickly in front of me forming the Deadly Dragon Pose.

This all happened in about five long seconds, but it was the next fraction of a second that reminded me I am still just a ninja in training.  It was in that fraction of a second that the slick counter and my damp hands decided to part ways.  With gravity now acting as it must, my hands shot out over the counter top and I fell the three feet to the linoleum.  My forearms scrapped the counter’s edge, valiantly trying to slow my fall.  To make matters more exciting there was an open dishwasher door conveniently located where my head was heading.

I laid on the floor for a while running system diagnostics on myself.  When the final reports came back from the nervous system I was amazed to learn that no major bones or organs had been crushed.  I heard my family fearfully asking if I was OK so I raised a bleeding arm in a victorious thumbs-up.  Nothing was seriously injured and since ninjas don’t weep or moan I just stayed down there for a few more moments.

Later in the bathroom with the mirror, scale and first aid supplies I reflected on what had just happened.  My mind and body had not coordinated the event as well as they could have.  I blame my very positive self image.  In my mind I was not only capable of the attempted acrobatics, I was capable of much more.  Without involving physics, my next move would surely have been to swing up into a single armed handstand followed by a triple somersault dismount.  And I would have stuck that landing like a champion.

Accidents are for learning.  Scabs are understanding and scars are wisdom- but here is an instance where I have no desire to learn from my spectacularly broad and purple bruises.  I am done being the tired, slow, fat guy.  I am finished knocking people over with my belly when I try to walk down a crowded sidewalk.  It is over.

I feel like a super hero ninja Olympic swimming champion, and dammit, that’s what I am.


About jasongillett

I'm Jason Gillett, 2 year VEGAN, and a 41 year old family man. My wife & I teach in a FL school. I am using a blog to chronicle our family's new life. View all posts by jasongillett

19 responses to “Day 104: Vegan Ninja

  • rosemary

    you inspire me,,i am down 16 pounds from my former self,keep at it,and please keep sharing,,rosemary

    • jasongillett

      Kick butt Rosemary! Do you every find things that weigh as much as what you’ve lost and carry them around? A 5 pound bag of flour gets heavy after a while and you have more than three bags worth of freedom now- that is spectacular! Thank you for reading 🙂

  • Daniel

    NOT TRUE! Who would ever suspect silent death from a big fat guy!

    Snake Eyes runs in fear of my Vegan powers!

    • jasongillett

      Snake Eyes is no fool- he knows that you control time and space with your vegan super powers! It is kind of you not to crush him just for fun. With great vegan power comes great responsibility.

  • Annmarie

    Thank you for the Ninja report. I had a similar situation the other day, in which I forgot I was 55 years old. I decided, with a seconds worth of thought, that I would jump over something – – – -like I used to when I was, say, 12 years old. I barely scaled it and survived with only mild hip pain, but I don’t think I’ll be trying it again.
    Please keep up the good work and the good writing. I don’t know you, but I’m very proud of you!

    • jasongillett

      Thank you Annmarie! We’ve shared war stories so we are now tight friends 🙂 Thank you very much for your support. Semi-strangers we may be, but it means the world to me. Have a limber day!

  • Shade

    You are a ninja!! It all starts in your mind, and your body will catch up, it will! Just be careful in the interim, and learn proper techniques (and stretching is good too). You are a ninja! 🙂 Thanks for the great post. I have learned a lesson the hard way a time or two (or all the time really lol). I decided it would be really fun to jump off this cement wall probably 12 feet or more into a pile of sand, thinking I would land and roll without injury and all would be well. I’m only 33, but all was not well. I was no where in shape for such a thing, hurt my foot and pulled all kinds of muscles (nothing major thankfully). In our mind we can do anything, but we just gotta remember what the body can do too and that it takes time and dedication to acquire the skills we desire, but it can be done!! Keep up the good work and keep sharing your inspiring and relatable stories and experiences.

  • jasongillett

    You rock Shade- thank you very much! I’ve recently decided to start taking aikido classes so I can turn the raw energy into laser-like ninja moves. I’m also going to follow through on an ancient promise to Shannon regarding ballroom dancing. It is so much more fun moving in a body that is able to move! I’m glad your Batman like leap didn’t end in casts or traction- we chuckle at kids with capes jumping off a roof, but how different are we than the seven year olds? Not very- thankfully.

  • Kelly P.

    I am SO glad I recently found your blog!!! As a recent and floundering vegan who cheats way too much (out of shopping/cooking laziness), you have become my inspiration! I have about 80-90 lbs. to lose, but you make me feel like I just might be able to do it. Also, I love your writing sytle. In short, you are awesome, and please keep the fantastic, honest and hilarious blog entries coming!

    • jasongillett

      Kelly- You stun me to near silence. What an incredibly nice thing to say! Battling through unwanted poundage can be a long and lonely process and that is why it can be so unsuccessful sometimes- but when we all stick together and support one another (and leave ridiculously awesome comments that raise a guys willpower to level 10, like you did) then it is much more likely that we will all cross that finish line together and go clothes shopping- which is way more fun than I ever thought before (hee hee). Stay strong and know that cheating and floundering is just part of the process- the effort is the important part. I suggest the goldfish mentality for dieting. If you made a mistake, forget about it 5 seconds later and start fresh from that point. My biggest problem in the old days was that falling off the diet wagon with a bad snack or meal made me give up completely and run to a buffet. It made sense at the time, but I don’t know why (insanity?)- instant forgiveness means the progress might be slowed but not reversed. Thank you again and best of luck on the journey- you are not alone. Plant power!!

  • Jenn

    I remember the good old days when I could be the first to leave a reply, I guess I need to get faster! Like a ninja!

  • Kelly P.


  • jasongillett

    LOL- I overlook all spelling an grammar errors in the comments because everyone is so nice about overlooking them in the posts! 🙂 🙂

  • Beth

    Well, since we are bravely sharing our moments of triumph (albeit, not successes) – I have a recent moment that fits perfectly 🙂 Often times I find myself wondering, why as adults do we not remember how important play is? Why do we see kids in the park or in the stores or literally anywhere we see them, running, skipping, jumping, doing anything BUT walking? When do we start walking – I mean I know it’s when we are toddlers and take our first steps, but that’s not what I mean – I mean when do we give up on using our legs for modes of clever transportation? I’ve had this re-occuring thought randomly pop in my mind for as long as I can remember – however, it wasn’t until recently (after losing about 75 pounds) that I took the pondering question one step further and without the second thought to talk myself out of it, decided that I will be that “incapable of walking” kid in the park…. My creative replacement for simply putting one foot in front of the other to get from point A to point B would be to do consecutive cart wheels from here to there – WHAT FUN! Or so I thought!!! The consecutive cartwheels become just one and I pulled some muscles that I didn’t even know existed and despite my overwhelming sense of denial, I have no doubt that it didn’t look near as pretty and graceful as I had envisioned! I had gone from walking, to cartwheels, instantly moving on to now mastering some sort of awkward limping. But, even though I can now say I have an answer to my question of… why do we “just” walk as adults – more importantly, at 75lbs down and a long way to go, I am at least giving myself permission to try things I never would have considered 6 months ago and that my friends is a triumph (albeit, not a success)!

    Thanks for all the fun stories – I’m happy to know I’m not the only one that has a mind that is convinced it can do things that the body, well can’t quit pull off. I say we keep trying and with every bump, bruise, scrap and scab we smile that we at least attempted! I wish for us all that we continue to be ninjas, acrobats, gymnast, champion swimmers, whatever we want to be – because as I saw mentioned in an earlier post, we can’t forget that all this starts in the mind – what we THINK has power!

    • jasongillett

      Beth- Despite what you think happened, I’m guessing the cartwheel was a perfect 10! More importantly I believe that what we are all experiencing are our spirits trying to get our bodies to become as free as they are. This is great news for us! We are in a world of people oppressed by their stunted and depressed spirits. We, however, have made it to points in our lives that allow us to feel like we are capable of more than what our flesh and bones are capable of keeping up with. That makes us some of the luckiest people on Earth. Compounding this victory is seeing how we all seem to find one another~ for many people, misery loves company~ for us, super hero ninjas love company. We are the blessed, lucky and grateful. Keep fighting the grownup walk!

  • Jenn

    I am usually one of the first people in my building in the morning. I often skip (side step run) from my office to the lab when I am sure no one is around. It just feels good to move in a different way.

    I was sighted doing this by one of the grad students in the building and she thought it was really cool. Not that I will do this sort of thing with the office full but from what I can tell it is much safer alternative to Beth’s cartwheel, and as long as you hold the power of someone’s degree you will be told it is cool 🙂

    I am here to promote skipping as a safe alternative form of movement for all ninjas!

  • Day 220: the Cutting Edge « Watch Me Lose 150 Pounds…

    […] any ninja worth his cool black suit, I am pretty good with a blade.  This is especially true since I started […]

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