As the second full week of the new lifestyle comes to a close, I find myself with plenty to do for work and my family. However, I have no desire to leave you with nothing to read. So I present to you my book idea from the heart of my love affair with the low carb lifestyle a year or so ago. I was dropping the weight and feeling the love for all things low carb. I even found a TED that made me think low carb might cure cancer. Hell, maybe it does. I think I can safely say that there is not one wonder diet that will work for everyone. Instead, you may need to try many before you find the best one for you. Heck, maybe even this one…
The Bacon & Whiskey Diet
(or.. How to Make Yourself Hate Bacon and Whiskey)
by Jason Gillett, M.D.
It will come as good news to some and bad news to others, that this diet, the Bacon & Whiskey Diet, is slightly more complex and varied than simply gorging on bacon and Jim Beam. If fact, in this informative weight loss guide, you will learn that there are several brands of whiskey that would work well with this diet.
[The previous sentence uses a type of sarcasm that will be found in abundance throughout this book. Part of the challenge is filtering out the serious bits from the nonsense. The author’s family is undoubtedly relieved that other people are now enjoying this brand of humor as much as they have over the decades.]
But whiskey selection is far from the point. The point is that when using the Bacon & Whiskey Diet, you can be successful having neither bacon nor whiskey. You can also be successful having only bacon and whiskey. You see, this diet is all about choices. Unfortunately, one of the choices you make when starting this diet, is to give up eating a bazillion of your favorite things. That may seem like a harsh way to loose weight, but sometimes you just have to look yourself in the mirror and say, “Suck it up fat boy!”
There will be more about personal inspiration and affirmation later. This chapter is going to be devoted to rumor control. Once this book hits the New York Times Bestseller List (if the stuffed shirt Ivey Leaugers know a good book when they read one) there will undoubtedly be some rumors flying around about the Bacon & Whiskey Diet and its charismatic creator, Jason Gillett, M.D.
The first assault will be on my credentials and education, since the first way to discredit revolutionary ideas is to undermine the visionary who dreamed them. “Oh my dear sense and sensibilities,” some light headed book critics will swoon, “this man is no doctor. However shall I be able to take his advice on matters of health and diet?” It is that kind of whiney tripe that is really going to piss me off while I’m cashing my royalty checks. I did not spend 10 years of my life taking electives at FOUR different universities so that some tweed jacket wearing nerd can tell me that a Bachelors of Elementary Education does not make me a doctor. All I know is that 10 years is 10 years. I put in my time and I have the student loans to prove it. If that doesn’t make me a doctor, what does? Plus, I NEVER said I was a doctor. I just put M.D. after my name and they (the Man) assumed I was a doctor. Well you know what they say about people who assume, right? They’re big jerks. M.D. could stand for Mega Dude, Most Def, or Mustard Doughnut… and the list goes on. So don’t tell me I’m not a doctor. I never said I was or wasn’t what they will say I said I was. In my professional opinion, we should just drop it.
The second slanderous rumor that is sure to surface before long will be about the Bacon & Whiskey Diet itself. This is terrible news, because when we start discrediting fad diets, the terrorist have already won. These critics- who are enemies of lean, hunky bods- will probably claim that the Bacon & Whiskey Diet is merely a fraud, poached from the pages of books researched and put together by hard working doctors and dietary specialists. I won’t even dignify such accusations with a response. Except to say that if that were true, the critics who were worried that I wasn’t properly educated, no longer have anything to complain about. Aha! A logic trap so cleverly placed even the greatest logicians would bow before it!
There will undoubtedly be many other crazy rumors floating around during my 15 minutes of fame, but if all goes well, a celebrity divorce or arrest will occur at the perfect time to divert the media attention before they get to any of the embarrassing stuff. Like the zippered wee-wee incident. However, hopefully, most of the discussion caused by this revolutionary rehashing of ideas will be in the form of kudos for the book and its author, as countless readers benefit from the rapid and somewhat safe weight loss.
In the following pages you will find an amalgam of advice and personal experience. You will be able to grasp the fine points of the Bacon & Whiskey Diet, and you will enjoy some of the personal reflections of someone who has been able to use the diet to loose the same 75 pounds, TWO times so far!
Are you tired of having so many X’s in your shirt size that numbers are used instead (5XL)? Are you sick of watching the last few inches of slack in your car’s seat belt disappear? Are you done getting dizzy every time you stand up to pay for another delivered pizza?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then this book is for you. Otherwise, just buy the damn thing for your fat friends.
Table of Contents
Table of Contents xixivc
Chapter One, Admitting You Have a Problem 1
Chapter Two, Blaming the Problem on Everyone Else 3
Chapter Three… to be continued
Chapter One, Admitting You Have a Problem
Step one in any rehabilitative program is admitting you have a problem. However the hard part is figuring out IF you have a problem. This can be really tricky, depending on what you are rehabilitating. Alcohol? Drugs? Tobacco? Tabasco? Nepotism? Necrophilia? How much is too much and when does too much become a problem that you need to admit too? These questions and more will be ignored as we move on.
America is a great place to be fat. Nobody likes to be alone, and fat guys in third world countries are not very common, and they are usually called El Presidente or Heffe. Everyone knows it’s lonely at the top.